I kept waiting for the call that said it was all a mistake. I knew deep down that it was not going to happen. But maybe it will be like the movies and I would get a last minute reprieve… I wrote this when I first started the blog and didn’t finish it. Below is the rest.
As we all know, that was not the case. The script was not written with a last minute reprieve. Or was it? A “reprieve”, in it’s noun form, is a cancellation or postponement of a punishment. While I in no way think my cancer diagnosis is any sort of punishment, maybe it is some sort of a cancellation.
I am cancelling a life of cancer for a life free of cancer. I don’t even want to think about the ramifications if the diagnosis had been made any later than it was. I am cancelling aspects of my life that need to be changed in order to deal with an ever changing life script. Dealing with the ever changing script of my life is a huge learning process.
I am learning that not having control over every aspect of your life is, at times, overwhelming.
I am learning how to ask for help without feeling like a bother, or high maintenance, or a pain in the neck, or a whiner, or whimpy. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.
I am learning that too much internet searching is not productive, mentally or emotionally.
I am learning that I am my own best advocate.
I am learning that I am so lucky to have access to such outstanding medical care.
I am learning how truly and deeply loved I am from my community, friends and family.
So I think that a reprieve was written into the script of my life. I think the script will again be rewritten and the reprieve will be replaced by permanent life changes, life changes learned from my reprieve.
I LOVE you SO MUCH!!! 😀
Beautifully expressed, Loretta. You have the wonderful gift of grace.
XO
Quote: “I am learning that too much internet searching is not productive”.
I think there is one underlying idea about internet search, which in case of medical care it might turn out to be a huge down side: no matter how, we mostly tend to believe that everything we read in the Internet is THE ONE AND ONLY TRUTH (“I read on Wikipedia!” or “I found it on the Internet!”) We do trust and rely to much on it that we tend to believe everything can apply to ourselves and, again, this is quite a self mentally and emotional, as your wrote, not-good doing.
The good question I found to ask myself: “Is this real? Does it apply to me? Why should it apply to me? What if this is all….a fake? A made-up?” I know, one of a my favourite movies set is The Matrix Trilogy, but…how I can say it is not just like in these movies? Since I can’t (and I do not care to find “the answer”), I get to the point that what I search and find on the Internet is just one of the possible way things can be but not necessarily it the ONLY one.
Keep smiling! 🙂
Just wanted to say hello and that you have been in my thoughts–I’m in awe of your courage and honesty and strength as you are carrying on. Keep on!
Great post…lots of respect and admiration for how you’re handling this. And “step away from the Google!” Is often good advice…remind Nicki of that, will ya? 🙂
That is just beautiful. Thank you for expressing what, I am sure, many of us have felt at times. There are several paragraphs that I should read and remind myself of more often than I’d like to admit.
Wow…so well said and felt..it brought tears to my eyes. So much love to you!